YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID...

EIGHTH PLACE:

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing head first
through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his
car keys.


SEVENTH PLACE

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off
a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.


SIXTH PLACE

Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an
8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in
as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying
him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour
to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.


FIFTH PLACE

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle
shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep
his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as
he hit the floor.


FOURTH PLACE

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in
Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says: "You can't fix stupid."
These people prove it is a terminal condition. As
always, competition this year has been keen.


THIRD PLACE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRST PLACE

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree
in Washington , DC appeared to be the robber's first
(and last), due to his lack of a previous record of
violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop
specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around
a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter,
having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer,
the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a
few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the
police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a
50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who
also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene
by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47
expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent
autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt in the exchange of fire.


HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
to see what would happen, but apparently failed to
notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

TACOMA , WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a
person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along
the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and
pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near
by. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt
water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching
out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.


AND THE WINNER...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck
his head on a roc k and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective
Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a
watchman came along, and during that time he
suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents that proves... "S __ t happens."


YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID...