Friday, November 25, 2011

Did you know Santa has dyslexia?

I've been given the wonderful task of coming up with the perfect holiday card text for my workplace. It is supposed to have no "Christmassy" feel since there are so many religions. It should be good for our past customers, while acknowledging that some recipients have not yet been our customers. Lovely right?

In my search for a good place to start (Don't you just LOVE the Internet? What did we do before?), I found this wonderful little treasure trove of funny Christmas card messages.

So if you're having trouble coming up with the perfect message to send to friends and family, perhaps you would like to use one of these:

1. This is a special Christmas card message. I found it on the Internet.

2. Santa was laid off this year. Good thing we have a stimulus package under the Christmas Tree.

3. Energy and environmental experts predict that, at current consumption rates, Santa will run out of sustainable coal for stockings by 2020. Stop being so naughty!

4. I bought you a car for Christmas this year… I meant CARD. Oops, did I say car?

5. I bought this envelope for you and they threw in the Christmas card for free.

6. I’m not sure what you wanted for Christmas, so I just got you this card.

7. I would tell you, “Merry Christmas,” but I don’t think it will work out between you two.

8. Did you know Santa has dyslexia? He spells his name S-a-t-a-n.

9. Too bad we can’t show each other the same Christian love on the road and in stores the way we do at Christmas time.

10. He knows when you are sleeping… He knows when you’re awake… He knows when you’ve been bad or good… He knows how much you make… I’ll give you one guess. That’s right, big brother, the government.

11. "It's ironic that at the same time our bellies are gaining weight during the holidays, our wallets are going on a diet and losing weight. Happy Holidays"

12. "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year's Resolution Failure."

13. "What do you get when you take Christmas time and take away all the hassle of shopping and busyness of the traditions? A Holy Day. Happy Holidays!"

14. "If you divorce Christmas using the Santa Clause, Christmas becomes X-mas. Then you can marry Holly Day!"

15. "Wishing you a holiday season filled with stress, cold, and anger. Hey, at least this is realistic."

16. "Sorry kids, Santa died. But the good news is now you can listen to Santana songs instead of Santa songs at Christmas time."

17. "I think the holidays were created to punish those who have been naughty. I must be on the naughty list every year, cause I feel punished."

18. "I got an idea, let's make a day every year where people are pressured socially to be kind, generous, happy, and patient. Oh yeah, that's already been done. Merry Christmas."

19. "Santa is just another example that fat dudes are the jolliest. Have a jolly Christmas."

Messages from the boss:

1. Enjoying the holidays is at least one thing that is not in your job description, but we're adding it this year. Here's to enjoying the season. Happy Holidays!

2. Thanks for rescheduling your Christmas break to March so you could work this holiday season. Merry St. Patrick's Day!

3. Sorry to let you know this in this holiday card, but we're relocating to the North Pole, and we've outsourced your job to Santa's Elves. We got a tax break and the elves work for low pay and don't need benefits. Happy Holidays.

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lettershometoyou said...

There must be something really sinister behind the fact that dyslexia is so hard to spell.

sarah1976 said...

Oh, wait. Were these customers you wanted to keep?

Jill said...

Thanks. This made me laugh and I needed it!

Maria said...

12 and 16. Enough said.

Maria said...

Guess what? Bing was offered a job in Berlin after she retires in five years. With an organization that finds work for teachers in Berlin in the U.S.

We are seriously considering it. Seriously. So, we could be neighbors in five years....